Hosts Pat Mitchell & Kelly Stoetzel speak at TEDWomen 2017 — Bridges, November 1-3, 2017, Orpheum Theatre, New Orleans, Louisiana. Photo: Ryan Lash / TED

Hosts Pat Mitchell & Kelly Stoetzel speak at TEDWomen 2017 — Bridges, November 1-3, 2017, Orpheum Theatre, New Orleans, Louisiana. Photo: Ryan Lash / TED

Joan Blades (Living Room Conversations) & John Gable (All Sides) speak at TEDWomen 2017 — Bridges, November 1-3, 2017, Orpheum Theatre, New Orleans, Louisiana. Photo: Stacie McChesney / TED

Joan Blades (Living Room Conversations) & John Gable (All Sides) speak at TEDWomen 2017 — Bridges, November 1-3, 2017, Orpheum Theatre, New Orleans, Louisiana. Photo: Stacie McChesney / TED

I recently returned from the TEDWomen conference in New Orleans. TEDWomen is a three-day conference about the power of women and girls to be creators and change-makers. The stories on stage were inspiring, and the connections we made in the gathering spaces were also enriching. We were there to learn from each other as much as from those who took the stage, so we did not hesitate to strike up conversations with people we did not know. The entire three-day conference felt like a warm embrace. 

Since returning I have wondered how we can foster more of that same trust and openness in our daily lives. As I reflect on what works and what doesn’t, I realize that it doesn’t take much. We just need to ask questions that cause the other to reflect before answering.

A friend once asked me in an e-mail: “What is lighting up your life these days?” This question yields a very different response than if she had asked: “So, how are you?” With the former question, I reflect on what is meaningful to me and share it. With the latter question, I tend to offer a litany of complaints. (“This happened, and then that happened…”)

We spend so much time actively thinking about how we present ourselves to the world; and with friends and family we tend to unload. Imagine if we spent just as much time inquiring about what is vital and meaningful to another person. It doesn’t have to be a touchy-feely question. It simply needs to be an open-ended inquiry that makes space for the vitality of the other to bubble forth.

Need suggestions on open-ended questions? Consider The 36 Questions that Lead to Love and in your mind replace the word “love” with “connection.” The other person does not need to be a potential romantic partner, nor do you have to ask all 36 questions. The idea is simply to ask questions that open the door for the essence of the other to enter the space. This is where connection and possibility take place.

Teresa Njoroge (Clean Start) speaks at TEDWomen 2017 — Bridges, November 1-3, 2017, Orpheum Theatre, New Orleans, Louisiana. Photo: Stacie McChesney / TED

Teresa Njoroge (Clean Start) speaks at TEDWomen 2017 — Bridges, November 1-3, 2017, Orpheum Theatre, New Orleans, Louisiana. Photo: Stacie McChesney / TED

Stephanie Speirs (Solstice) speaks at TEDWomen 2017 — Bridges, November 1-3, 2017, Orpheum Theatre, New Orleans, Louisiana. Photo: Stacie McChesney / TED

Stephanie Speirs (Solstice) speaks at TEDWomen 2017 — Bridges, November 1-3, 2017, Orpheum Theatre, New Orleans, Louisiana. Photo: Stacie McChesney / TED